ikhlas

ikhlas tu ibarat semut hitam yang berjalan atas batu hitam dalam malam yang gelap. it's hard to e ikhlas morever when it comes in terms of money. i don't know anyone else but for me it's really hard for me nak rasa ikhlas.. hati tak bersih mcm mana nak ikhlas kan. i know it because i know and i realize what i have done i'm doing and what will im going to do after this. than lie. it's hard for me to resist that habit in my daily conversations. adakah ALLAH SWT sedang menguji saya? when i'm realize that thing i decide not to have a conversations with others because i'm afraid that i will lie to them and i afraid because i know it' a sin. riak.. it all comes together with lie. when will feel riak we will lie. because we want to show what we have or we rumbling create a story about something just want to make people feel proud of us. it's me. i don;t know what to do.. no i know what to do but hati saya sangat kotor dan saya tidak dekat dengan tuhan saya. sampai satu tahap saya tersedar sendiri bila ada benda yang berlaku. Tuhan masih sayangkan saya. He test me to make me realize that i've done something wrong and i feel riak. He loves me. He want me to return to him. it's is hard to resist perasaan bersalah dalam diri. it's hard for me to stay in this kind of feeling. feeling afraid to him feeling hopeless but i have faith in him believe that he will help me guide me no matter what. it's hard for me to istiqamah and i have read once a phrase salah satu sebab mengapa sukar untuk didik diri supaya istiqamah adalah hati yang penuh dengan titik hitam. ALLAH.. it's been many times i try to eliminate the bad habit in me but it's hard for me to istiqamah.. it's only works for a few times and i end up do it again again and again.. it's is true that saya tak jaga solat saya. solat saya adakala di hujung waktu.. tidak tetap.. ya allah i'm writing this as a doa.. as i'm begging you to listen to me.. because i know you are the greater and you know evrything.. guide me Ya allah help me